Seriously. Something about that last post was just much too difficult for blogging. Therefore, please enjoy some miscellaneous imagery, etc. to clear the palette.
I want my hair to look like that. But it's too thick & bushy. : ( And gray : )
This is the GIRL wall of plastic-bagged Halloween costumes at the local mall. Just in case you wanted to let anyone know of your sexual availability, they've got you.
This is a man taking up TOO MUCH SPACE on the bus. Totally unnecessary, dude! Close your legs. Or stand.
Girl name (upper left, with cheer megaphone and pom-poms). Boy name (upper right, with football helmet). Bottom middle: STRIPPER + POLE. Wtf. THIS is what's going ON out there!
I just like this image. Look, there are big plants inside!
I like food too. Especially pizza! Yum!
Hearst Castle, San Simeon CA. I'm sorry, is this an example of objectification? Or aesthetic appreciation? You know I always get confused.
Also, I’ve just started reading Whipping Girl. The scapegoating of femininity!! Oooh. Very exciting subject matter! Much to discuss!
I’ve been thinking, and now I want to talk, about gender fetishism. Partly, because my blogging sisters have been buzzing with transsexual criticism. And partly because I like to read the blogs of queer lesbians with varying degrees of feminist consciousness. During my extensive internet travels, I’ve found that some people will admit to harboring gender fetishes (often self-identified butches and femmes). Yet other people vigorously deny any such sexualized preoccupation.
Well, that got me thinking about how gender fetishism can be traced back to heterosexuality– a gender fetish that commonly co-presents with opposite-sex-and-gender-alignment fetishism. Did you get that? Then I wondered if femmes who only sleep with butches have sex-gender misalignment fetishism? No, because they don’t necessarily like feminine men, only masculine-presenting humans with vaginas. And that would be same-sex-and-opposite-gender fetishism. Or preference, depending on how strict they are. Whoa. So I thought it would be interesting to explore the messy crossroads of sexuality and gender-related fetishes.
DEFINITIONS
However, before I go any further, it will be helpful to establish some definitional parameters. When I speak of GENDER I mean constructions and exaggerations of sex-related differences, most of which have no objective basis or connection to biology–the presumed basis of their authenticity (ha!). Gender, in this post, should therefore be understand as masculinity and femininity. Though the mix-n-match possibilities of such “masculine” and “feminine” traits are infinite, my discussion of gender is definitionally limited to the masc/fem “spectrum.” So regardless of whether there is a normative match between sex and gender, gender shall always refer to the social constructs of masculinity and/or femininity. Thank you. And moving on.
When I speak of FETISH, I mean something that is required for sexual arousal or gratification. This includes the use of tangible objects, behaviors, fantasies, and/or other humans’ aesthetic presentations.
SO.
It is my basic assertion, here, that anyone who demands a particular gender presentation from their partner is a gender fetishist.
DIFFERENT.
Obviously, this includes all heterosexuals. Note that hets usually speak of their sexual preferences only in terms of biological sex; this is how you know when someone doesn’t differentiate between sex and gender. However, heterosexuals obviously have gender fetishes. In addition to requiring the proper oppositional genitalia, straight women don’t want feminine men –though a little bit of style consciousness and emotional sensitivity is probably OK! By the same token, most straight men wouldn’t be caught dead with a masculine woman on their arm. For heterosexuals, normative gender roles and gender-sex alignment are foundational to their social system. As radical feminists have said, this is a practice of sexualizing the difference between binary genders. I view butch and femme loyalists the same way; their attraction for each other is dependent on oppositional gender performance.
THE SAME.
Likewise, it is possible to fetishize gender sameness. So, gender fetishism is not merely a heterosexual or an oppositional-gender attraction; fetishizing gender further implicates all homosexuals who are attracted same-gendered people. Like two butches or two femmes together, regardless of their sex. I like this homo-homo vs. hetero-homo discussion.
Thus, anyone who insists on a partner with a particular gender presentation, especially one resembling conventional masculinity or femininity, whether it be normative or transgressive, is a gender fetishist. Because there’s a specific gender that must be performed.
SEX vs. GENDER
But let’s be sure that we also differentiate sex-related preferences from gender-related ones. Because it’s true that I’m attracted almost exclusively to humans with vaginas. I love women’s breasts, hands, smooth faces, the curve of a woman’s lower back into her hips. And it’s been controversially suggested that sexuality determined by biological sex is a fetish in itself.
However, I’m not exclusively (or even primarily) aroused by images of disembodied genitalia. (though maybe some pornified people are? Like, seriously?) No, I like FABs for different reasons. Some having to do with various aspects of women’s bodies, and some having to do with the way that FABs move in the world– female energy. So I’m not going to discuss sexual-organ-related fetish. Only the powerful gender fetishism exuded by a culture saturated in compulsory heterosexuality.
Back to loving women, independently of gender and/or in spite of it. This requires exercising bi-gender-sexuality. (However, someone who is bi-sexual is not necessarily bi-gender-sexual, for example a feminine woman whose attraction is limited to masculine men and butches: both genders are masculine, oppositional to hers, so this person has a gender fetish, rather than a sex fetish.) Though I always prefer female physicality, I’ve never had a “type.” For example, maybe ya’ heard, my first girlfriend is a trans man.* She was smart, kind, funny, and she passed. Her masculine gender/masculinity wasn’t an issue, it was an attraction. My current partner’s more feminine gender presentation equally attractive. I have deduced/rationalized that my preference for FABs is rooted in their emotionally and behaviorally distinct social indoctrination. I can list many personality and intellectual qualities that are consistently shared by the FABs I’m seriously attracted to, but I don’t seek a partner with a particular gender–masculine or feminine.
FEMINIST WORK.
When we split masculine and feminine along such normative lines, and when we are sexually gratified exclusively by either masculinity or femininity, but not both, we reinforce the idea that certain kinds of things should go together, belong together, and form natural groupings. And then we seek to continue the exclusivity of the groupings because we like them. Because they are sexually attractive to us. Yet, this loyalty to masculinity and femininity is consistent with gender normativity flowing directly from cultural systems and imagery designed to serve heterosexuality.
Further, distinct masculine and feminine genders are necessary to maintain male privilege. Indeed, I believe it is Feminist Work to question people of all sexualities who claim that their preferred gender– or the preferred gender of their partner– “naturally” aligns with one of heterosexuality’s binary positions. Surely, expecting your partner to be and to remain firmly on one side of the falsely divided gender spectrum is indicative of a binary fetish. Interesting question here. In order to find equality, we must consciously value all genders, without finding one more attractive than other, and destroy the binary’s oppositional nature. I also believe that it is Feminist Work to seek the beauty in all genders, particularly those displayed by gender deviants! (And by gender deviant, I mean fearlessly vibrant blendings of masculinity and femininity. Hybrid!)
RECOVERY.
Now, that was intended to be the END of this monologue. However, in discussions with my beloved Faith, she suggested that I add my thoughts about neural pathway training to this post. See random link for ya’ here. Fair enough. I realize it may sound insensitive or ignorant to suggest that obsessions and desires can be controlled. But I believe they can be– maybe not entirely, but at least partially. So I’m going to provide a few examples of my own thought patterns that have undergone substantial transformation.
- I used to spend an incredible amount of time counting calories, worrying about what I ate yesterday, what I was going to eat next, when I could go running, how far I could run, how many calories I could burn, etc., etc., etc. Boring! I wrote about this a few months ago. Hating my body and obsessing over everything I did and ate and how it affected my body was controlling my life. I needed to REDIRECT my thoughts. Redirect. Redirect. Redirect. Validate, deconstruct, and redirect. Constant vigilance. Redirect. Very slow, very tedious mental work. Redirect. And redirect again. This mindfulness is often necessary to overcome similarly obsessive thoughts. Maybe you’ve had some of your own? How do you make them go away?
- I did not always love masculine women and/or butches. I have always liked “masculine” mannerisms performed by women, but in my foolish youth, I thought why would you want to look or dress like a BOY? Oh, how ignorant I was! Butches are not anything like boys–even in mens’ clothing!! Masculine women demonstrate a distinct way of being female that deviates from what we’re taught women are supposed to be like. After spending time with various butches and masculine women at college, it dawned on me how incredibly sexy they are. And I viewed the world in a whole new light. Ahhhhh! I just needed some exposure and time to adjust.
- I used to hate yellow gold. I thought it was gaudy and ostentatious. Silver and white gold, including platinum and titanium, were much more classy! Clean, fresh. Well, one day I realized (or involuntarily decided, I don’t know) how CLASS-IC yellow gold is. Sophisticated and mature! Much more moody and complex than silver. Now I love both silver AND yellow gold. Imagine that!
- And finally, I am a vegetable resister. My partner is vegetable worshiper. I tell her, you know, sometimes I just don’t like the way something tastes. I can’t help it!! Well, this may be true of some things, but many more than a few times, she has been able to prepare a previously maligned vegetable (such as beets!) in a way that I actually end up enjoying! In fact, I’ve been known to go out of my way looking for beet recipes; I even crave them sometimes. Amazing what a little persistence, complimentary flavor combos, and open mindedness can do for ya’!
Now, I’m not saying that this is gonna work every time or that if you just put your ass into it you can make anything you want come true. I haven’t been reading The Secret or anything, ok? Yes, I still have self-hating thoughts about my fat and, no, I’ll never be totally happy with my body. But I can now enjoy some cake and cocktails without self-immolating for the next 2 days (or even 2 hours). It’s way, way better.
My point is that, in order to have any hope of changing at all, we have to stop telling ourselves that we CAN’T change! WE must be OPEN to such change. We must WANT to change. We have to force ourselves to perform repetitive mental work to make that change happen. It doesn’t happen overnight. The prejudices of a lifetime don’t fall away after a few conscious redirections. You have to catch your mind in its most natural state. And condition it. Over and over.
So please, open your mind to new ways of being and appreciating other people! If you like femininity, start trying to see the beauty and seduction of masculinity. And vice versa. Start small. And if I’m wrong, well, you haven’t lost anything have you?
*discussing MY experience and feelings about him, when he lived as a woman.
Yes, I am a post-modern feminist. Now, before you ask wtf that means, I’m blogging to tell you! (I know, how sweet is that?)
It means that I’m interested in developing theory that *responds* to the contextual evolution of women’s collective status. And yes, the context is modern westernized culture. That’s the (post) modern part. My philosophical foundation is undoubtedly rooted the second wave of radical feminism. I love that stuff! But I’m ethically opposed to dogmatic reiteration of any political ideology, including this one. The social, economic, and political landscape that I’m looking at now, today, is different in many ways from the one that proved fertile ground for the great feminist theorists of decades past. It is absolutely essential to the survival of feminism that we take this into account as we negotiate The Way Forward.
I think the most important gain women have made is in the professional arena. Now admittedly, women are still underpaid and undervalued in the workplace. But let’s not pretend that nothing has changed, ok? Cause that’s simply not true. Women’s ability to survive economically, without men’s money, is not only feasible, it’s common! We also have limited, but legal, access to birth control and abortion. We can wear pants every day and sport short haircuts without being verbally harassed (usually). There are countless measures of progress, some more subjective than others, that I do intend to detail in this post.
The new millennium presents its own unique challenges, of course. Most significantly, the pornification of mainstream culture. Many, if not most, young women have no concept of compulsory heterosexuality and similar mind-control methods of the Modern Patriarchy. By the millions, young women truly believe that they are “empowered” by flaunting their sexual availability and building entire identities around market-defined presentations of female “sexuality.” This is not good. This is NOT progress. However, we can not allow it to prevent us from making theoretical progress! Sex Positive (read: libertarian) feminism has, in my opinion, caused a sort of radical feminist backlash to the extent that radfems are clinging ever more tightly to the words of the past and refusing to perceive anything of value in women’s modern liberties as compared to the shackles of the past. I believe this is a mistake.
Attempts to incorporate traditional feminist wisdom into modern day circumstances and every day life is The Way Forward. We’re not gonna get it right every time, or the first time. But that which isn’t growing is DEAD. So yeah, I’m a post-modern feminist.
Now, please go check out FRG for a new article: Womyn to Bois by Ariel Levy. Its one of my favorite feminist readings of recent years and it illustrates WHY we need to develop both language and political/lifestyle strategies that confront the realities of today’s lesbian culture –even as so many of us prefer the term “queer” and seek to distance ourselves from our woman-identified history! Theoretical EVOLUTION (and even theoretical cooperation! Eek! Omg!) is the only way to illuminate our shared interests. That’s The Way Forward.
that's my sewing work. and my little poodle!
When I first moved to Massachusetts I was just going to college and gettin’ the hell outta dodge. Over 10 years later, I refuse to leave! I like to say that there’s a virtual electric fence of progressive politics around Massachusetts and it will forever be my state of residency. This is the BEST state in the union (US, you understand) and everyone who reads my blog in a non-ironic way should move here immediately. Immediately! Here are my top 4 reasons why:
- Gay marriage.
- State-sponsored health insurance for all (MassHealth rocks baby!).
- Decriminalization of possession of marijuana under an ounce.
- A long history of radical political actors thinking deep thoughts on this soil.
(Oh and btw, autumn in Massachusetts is gorgeous!)
CONTRAST: Yesterday, the neighboring state of Maine put the civil rights of a minority group on the ballot for the majority to vote on. Guess what? WE LOSE.
And it slaps me in face (again) how privileged I am.
In Massachusetts, in Boston, in my sweet little separatist bubble, living a lesbian feminist lifestyle is Whatever. I’ve purged the haters. So really, it’s no thang that I love the ladies. Or that I shun the menz. Wha-evs. No one cares. Here, in my beloved Massachusetts, we’ve had the right of same-sex marriage for over 5 years. It has NEVER been on the ballot, nor do I expect that it ever will be. It’s a done deal thanks to the Supreme Judicial Court’s Goodridge decision and Democratic control of the state legislature. Awwwww, yeah!
The rights of a minority group, the civil rights of ANY group really, should NEVER EVER be determined by the majority. In fact, every major civil rights victory in the history of this fucked-up nation has been won via judicial mandates. Do you think women or people of color would have the right to vote (or work on the free market) if we allowed white men to vote on it? NO. Would we have equal access to education? NO. Would interracial couples be allowed to marry? NO. Would women be allowed the “right” to birth control or abortion? NO. What if we allowed the populace to vote on whether taxes should be eliminated? BAD idea. Well, it’s not in the constitution (explicitly, that is). Taxes would be outlawed and vigilantes would rule the county; fire and violence would prevail. Roads would become impassable, bridges would fall, homelessness would become normal. In short, MAYHEM would ensue.
Duh. People are mean and stupid.
We must be saved from ourselves. Yes, its authoritarian and paternalistic. Domination of the masses: that’s the way forward. Yeah, I said it.
My sister loves me!! This is one of TWO woman-focused books she got me for my birthday. Also, the Amazon universal wishlist toolbar button rocks.
Well, sisters, it seems that my obsessions may have shifted during the last moon cycle. I am now much too busy practicing the FEMININE ART of sewing to be here complaining about how y’all don’t appreciate the value of femininity in general. I realize that some of you may feel oppressed by my feminine celebration of sewing (yay: artsy-craftsy!!!), but I’m sure that once you see what I’ve been working on that you will feel similarly empowered and/or empowerfullized.
Check this out!
Mittens without a pattern!! And I'm also crafting a matching striped dog coat for my poodle. No, I'm not kidding. Pictures to follow.
This is what I do instead of endlessly surfing the internet and getting mad about queer use of the (supremely sacred) term GENDER to mean anything they damn well please.
Look, I make different sized baby hats!
Also, I’m teaching my miniature poodle to jog with me. She’s getting much better already. At first I had to drag her along, which resulted in me looking like an animal abuser (even though she was NOT tired because as soon as I let her off the leash, she ran like the wind). Now she’s trotting next to me like a good girl. So yeah, I’m working on sewing her a dog coat to match my striped mittens. So gaaaay! So feminine!!!! Bwahahahahahaha!!! (<<that’s my Evil Laugh)
PS. Everyone is clear that I’m not a Radical Feminist, right?? I want this to be KNOWN. Because I’m too post-modern (pomo!) and I insist that theory should evolve in response to social and contextual “progress.” Maybe I should make a general announcement. Well, first I’ll have to tear myself away from the domestic arts and other womanly stuff. So, maybe later.
PPS. New article posted @ Feminist Reading Group: The Mythic Mannish Lesbian: Radclyffe Hall and the New Woman. Read, download, print, discuss, etc.
PPPS. Undercover Punk (the blog) has officially posted ONE THOUSAND comments. Omg.
Jennifer McLune of Celia’s Revenge has asked me to link to her latest post titled:
A Black BITCH Hunt: The Aftermath of Challenging Off Our Backs Magazine On Their Racism
I support the confrontation of racism within feminist organizations, communities, and individuals. And I support women, like Jen, who refuse to sit down and shut up. May the force be with you, my sister!
Seriously. I love being in my thirties.
I have a Birthday Philosophy. It goes something like this: I’m having a good time & NOBODY is gonna stop me. I don’t work. I don’t do chores. And I laze around like a pig.
Take good care of yourself. Sleep in. Plan ahead. Do the little things that make life joyful for you. Favorite outfit, favorite food. You get the idea.
Never outsource your happiness, but especially on your birthday. It only comes once a year, so don’t let ANYONE rain on your parade. I’m having fun whether anyone else does anything nice for me or not. Cuz I’m taking care of myself and today is ALL ABOUT ME, baby.
CHEERS!
My favorite person in the world and I went to the sculpture park.
The sharks are always my favorite. I lie flat on my back to show them my belly. That's the way to get the best pictures.
Love.
Oh, yeah.
Ok, let’s start by talking about why men suck: because it’s virtually impossible to divorce men from the gendered conditioning of male and to purge them of the belief that they are the superior gender. Men have so thoroughly and so unpleasantly internalized the gendered propaganda about “masculinity” that they are beyond redemption. At least, this is the way I think about it. Why do I hate men? Because of what society’s gendered conditioning has done to them! I hesitate to say that I hate men on a biological basis (though I do find them less aesthetically pleasing than women in general), but I definitely hate them in their socially conditioned state of male. I don’t like all that presumptuous energy, that entitlement to my femaleness, taking up space around me.
Now, let’s apply this logic elsewhere by asking ourselves the same question about women. If the most radical of feminists (and most Radical Feminists-ha!) disapprove of femininity as a byproduct of social conditioning, AND, if we, as holistic beings, cannot be deprogrammed from the social conditioning that we’ve internalized, I must ask how this might implicate hating women? Oh yes I diiiid. Blasphemy! Can you believe I have the gall to even ask such a question???
I’m serious though. Hear me out. I know it’s nice and all to think that we can separate the abstract concept of femininity from women themselves. And maybe in some ways or situations we can. But I have good reason to believe that the distinction isn’t quite as clean as we want to believe.
I first wondered about this feminine-hating thing a few months ago in the wake of the semantic value disagreement. At the time, I wasn’t interested in fanning the flames of blog combat. But I recently read a post written by an anti-femininity feminist (AFF for short, please) who bravely articulated some of my concerns. This anti-femininity feminist’s internal reaction to the sight of feminine women was one of deep suspicion; she presumed hypocrisy on the part of aesthetically feminine women claiming to be feminists. How could a woman who shaves her legs or wears skirts not be currying male favor and attention in exchange for her sexual corveé?
In my experience, this is a commonly shared view among similar-minded feminists (AFFs). And yes, I too, know that nasty feeling. It isn’t something I’d usually be keen to discuss, but I think it’s about time we confronted it. So, I will admit to you, my dearest internet sisters, that I’ve been known to make some really harsh assumptions about women based on their appearance alone. The nasty thoughts crop up fairly predictably whenever I see a woman with fake blonde hair wearing a lot of pink. Or showing an excessive amount of skin (don’t ask me what the parameters are, I know it when I see it, ok??). I assume that I won’t like her; I assume that she’s not particularly introspective or politically conscious. I might even assume that she’s a tool of The Man!
Now let’s just be honest, OK? This is NOT a nice or loving way to conceive of other women! At all. So let me just go on the record here as saying: it’s not OK. Not. At. All. It is NOT woman-loving. It’s not compassionate. And it is not supportive. I suggest to you, my sisters, that it is woman HATING.
Thank you.
Now, we can be critical of femininity all we want. But let’s not make it personal, ok? Even if you hate all femininity and refuse to be softened to any arguments in defense of it as a way of being, even if you truly believe we’ve all been snowed by patriarchal propaganda, let’s not blame the “victim.”
Separating real female humans from the social conditioning of “feminine” in pursuit of authentic woman-loving requires, in my opinion, curbing those negative reactions to real world displays of femininity. Thank you again.
Please also see Female Chauvinist Pigs for more hating on girly-girls.
Oh yes, yes, I do. And my question is: do you think it’s OK to talk about menstruation with your co-workers? I’m inclined to say no, we shouldn’t do that. But why not? It’s totally natural. And totally universal for women (past, present, or future!). The reason I don’t–or haven’t, I should say, since I’ve been more open lately– is because I think people (primarily men) feel free to make negative assessments about your professional judgment. You know, you mention PMS once and suddenly you’re a crazy bitch on the rag all the time-even according to other women!
So, I don’t have particularly terrible physical symptoms. I’m bloated, I have cramps, but 3 Advil every four hours does the trick. I can’t really complain given what I know other women go through. However, my mental health suffers quite noticeably when I have PMS. I’m sad, cranky, paranoid, depressed, I cry a lot and I can’t “handle” much of anything. Basically, my frustration tolerance goes waaaaay down. Now, if this lasted for three to four days ending predictably in my period, I’d know exactly what I was in for and for how long. But I have a really long cycle that can last up to 37 days (good thing I’m a lesbian!). So there I am, day after day after day after day, eating brownies by the pan, crying whenever I drop my pencil, and getting variously pissed and nervous every time I get a message from someone. Ugh! Many times it’s so bad that I have to question my own judgment! And thank goddess my partner will talk me down when needed. I might’ve done some really regretful things if she wasn’t around to keep me in check!
Back to work. Sometimes I feel like I should disclaim my passionate frustration with a particular situation by reference to my PMS. Because it’s true! Not every time I’m legitimately upset; but there are definitely times that I *know* I’m reacting more strongly because of my hormones. Last month, I blurted something like that to my boss (oh yeah, by the way, I can also be impulsive). Then I explained how I don’t usually say things about my PMS, blah, blah, people think you’re a crazy woman, blah. She laughed it off and was like, whatever! Who cares what people think! I was grateful, but I wondered how other women think about period-talk in the workplace.
One of my old bosses used to work in sales; when she had PMS her female boss would put her on the accounts that needed to be paid and/or had outstanding issues. She’d get in there, take no shit, and finish the deal. I thought that seemed like a productive way to harness hormonal intensity! But apparently everyone in the office knew about her period. Maybe the guys were jealous of her extra boost of fire? No, I doubt it too. Even though they should be! Gawd.
I don’t work in sales. I’m one of those people who wants to get along with everyone (I know you’d have never guessed! Oh what a Good Girl I am!). And I don’t have an outlet for all my emotional angst (um, except blogging). I just have to try really hard not to cry at work!
So , do you talk PMS at work? In front of the guys? What about your boss? Do you think we *should* be able to talk about it? I do. Especially as a fan of radical openness, I think we should be able to discuss the factors that affect our behavior. But I don’t think we’re there quite yet.
I made these little baby hats while menstrating. SO PROUD. (And no, I don't want any babies of my own. Don't even mention it to me!)
